Fact: Sharing your deepest thoughts and feelings outside the relationship can be just as intimate and damaging.
Infidelity often starts in the heart long before it reaches the bedroom.
Emotional infidelity refers to an emotional involvement with a person outside of your relationship that threatens the commitment, trust, and intimacy of your primary relationship.
It’s not always straightforward to know if your involvement with another person is a friendship or constitutes cheating, but there are some definite signs of emotional infidelity to look out for.
In this post, we’ll explore the signs of emotional infidelity and discuss how it impacts the relationship and what to do if you suspect your partner is having an emotional affair (or if you’re having one).
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Recognizing emotional infidelity isn’t always straightforward, but certain patterns and behaviors can signal when a friendship has crossed the line into something more.
Hiding the relationship from your partner
Hiding or deleting conversations you have with that person
Keeping the nature of the relationship secret, for example, not sharing how much or what you communicate about
Not mentioning to the other person that you have a partner
Flirting
Fantasizing about the other person romantically or sexually
Developing romantic or sexual feelings for the other person
Feeling guilty about your relationship or interactions with the other person
Talking badly about your partner to them or sharing intimate details about your relationship that your partner wouldn’t want you to share
Turning to the other person for emotional support instead of your partner
Spending a lot of time with or talking to them
Losing interest in your current relationship and partner
Am I having an emotional affair?
It’s normal to feel attracted to other people even when you’re in a relationship; it’s how you respond to that attraction that’s the decisive factor.
If you allow it to take away from your primary relationship and let the bond with the other person intensify beyond friendship, you’re moving into cheating territory.
To figure out whether you’re having an emotional affair, honestly ask yourself these questions:
Are you open with your partner about the other relationship and its nature? Or are you keeping it a secret? If you are, ask yourself why.
Do you have any sexual or romantic feelings for the other person?
Do you prefer talking to the other person about your feelings, experiences, and other intimate details of your life?
Do you often compare your primary relationship to the new relationship?
Has your partner expressed concern about the other person? If so, do you think it’s justified?
Have you lost interest in your current relationship as a result of the new relationship?
Is my partner having an emotional affair?
To figure out whether your partner might be having an emotional affair, ask yourself the following questions:
Do they seem increasingly distant or less interested in you since meeting the other person?
Has their behavior changed? For example, do they stay up later than usual, or are they more critical of you?
Are they secretive about their communication or hide their phone from you?
Have they lied about how much time they spend with or talk to that person?
Does your gut instinct tell you there’s something more going on?
Have you asked your partner about the nature of the relationship? How did their response feel?
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How Emotional Infidelity Impacts Relationships
There’s a common misconception that sexual infidelity is worse than emotional infidelity. However, any form of infidelity can cause feelings of betrayal, rejection, emotional abandonment, and distress.
When you have an emotional affair, you create an “us” with someone else and hide it from your partner. That can feel like a betrayal, and the other person may feel replaced, rejected, humiliated, and deeply hurt. The intimate bond you have with your partner is at risk of being broken.
In summary, emotional infidelity:
Erodes trust: It damages the sense of safety and transparency in the relationship.
Creates emotional distance: Resources (time, energy, attention) are redirected toward someone else, disconnecting you from the primary relationship.
Generates negative feelings: Resentment, hurt, jealousy, and insecurity damage the health of the relationship.
Increases the risk of breakup: It weakens commitment and can lead couples to break up if it’s not resolved.
Damages wellbeing: The cheated-on partner may experience depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem, while the unfaithful partner may experience remorse and shame (Rokach & Chan, 2023).
Why emotional infidelity and cheating hurt: The evolutionary perspective
In evolutionary psychology, jealousy serves the function of protecting a valued social relationship (Symons, 1979). It’s an evolved psychological mechanism designed to protect critical relational resources like love, time, attention, and long-term commitment.
Emotional betrayal threatens these resources and can therefore lead to jealousy, hurt, and distress.
For women, emotional infidelity can be especially threatening, as it might mean losing emotional investment and resources (e.g., support, protection, and child-rearing help) to another woman and her offspring. For our distant ancestors, emotional infidelity could have posed a serious survival risk.
In line with this, research consistently shows that heterosexual women rate emotional infidelity as more distressing than sexual infidelity. The opposite is true for heterosexual men, who are more concerned with paternal uncertainty (Buss, 2018).
Gay men were equally upset by sexual and emotional infidelity, according to a study by Frederick and Fales (2016). Lesbian women were slightly more distressed by emotional infidelity, but the difference was not statistically significant.
How to Handle Emotional Cheating
Whether you suspect emotional infidelity or have engaged in it yourself, it’s essential to handle the situation with honesty and self-awareness — whether that’s together or apart.
In many cases, seeking professional guidance, like a couples counsellor, is helpful, as the process can be complicated and difficult.
Before confronting your partner, take a moment to ground yourself and clarify your feelings. It’s normal to react in the heat of the moment, but taking a minute to reflect and gather your thoughts is more helpful in the long run.
2. Reflect on the evidence
What have you noticed? What have you found? It might be changes in their behavior, secrecy, or increased contact with someone else, or you may have seen messages or overheard conversations. Be clear on what you know and what you might be assuming.
3. Communicate openly
If you haven’t already, talk to your partner to find out what’s going on. Try not to accuse them, but ask open-ended questions and talk about how you’re feeling using “I” statements. For example:
“I feel we’re growing quite distant since you’ve been spending more time with X.”
“I’m feeling uncomfortable about your relationship with X. Is there something going on between you?”
“Do you have feelings for them?”
4. Communicate your boundaries
It’s possible they will brush you off, saying, “We’re just friends,” but if you feel strongly that something more is going on, you should insist on having an honest conversation and assert your boundaries.
5. Understand the bigger picture
Are there bigger issues going on in the relationship that need to be resolved? Is there neglect, lack of intimacy, or conflict? As these often precede infidelity, it’s important they are addressed.
If you’re the one having an emotional affair
1. Acknowledge the harm
Instead of invalidating your partner’s feelings or denying any wrongdoing, acknowledge their feelings. The sense of betrayal is real even without sex. Accept that your actions could have lasting emotional consequences.
2. Be transparent
If you’re willing to work on the relationship and heal from the affair, be transparent about what happened and why it happened. Offer your partner as much information as they need to rebuild trust.
3. Explore your motivations
Understand what led to the affair. Were you seeking more intimacy? Were you resentful toward your partner? Are you looking for more variety? Understanding your own reasons will help you decide how to move forward.
4. Take responsibility for healing the rupture
If you want to repair your relationship, make sure your partner knows you’re committed to taking action. Be open to communication and participate in therapy if needed. If your partner prefers you to stop contact with the affair partner, respect their needs.
A Take-Home Message
It’s not always easy to tell when a friendship crosses the line into something more, but secrecy, romantic feelings, and emotional distance from your partner are telling.
Emotional infidelity can be as hurtful and damaging to a relationship as sexual infidelity, as it erodes trust and creates feelings of rejection, resentment, and loss.
Honest and open communication, and possibly the support of a professional, are important to move forward, even if you decide it’s best to part ways.
Emotional boundaries are the limits within a relationship that protect the intimacy and trust between you. They include personal limits (like not taking responsibility for the other person’s emotions) as well as rules around what’s appropriate to share and seek outside the relationship. For instance, you should be open and honest about your other close friendships.
How is emotional infidelity different from a close friendship?
Key differences between emotional infidelity and close friendship are intention and transparency. The intention behind friendship is platonic, meaning there are no romantic or sexual feelings, and you don’t keep this relationship secret from your partner. If there are sexual or romantic feelings and you hide the relationship or elements of it, you might be crossing into emotional cheating territory.
References
Buss, D. M. (2018). Sexual and emotional infidelity: Evolved gender differences in jealousy prove robust and replicable. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 13(2), 155–160. https://doi.org/10.1177/1745691617698225
Frederick, D. A., & Fales, M. R. (2016). Upset over sexual versus emotional infidelity among gay, lesbian, bisexual, and heterosexual adults. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 45(1), 175–191. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-014-0409-9
Rokach, A., & Chan, S. H. (2023). Love and Infidelity: Causes and Consequences. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 20(5), 3904. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph20053904
Symons, D. (1979). The evolution of human sexuality. Oxford University Press.
Emotional infidelity refers to an emotional involvement with a person outside of your relationship that threatens the commitment, trust, and intimacy of your primary relationship.
Whether you suspect emotional infidelity or have engaged in it yourself, it’s essential to handle the situation with honesty and 
