If you’re sharing more of your inner world with someone outside your relationship than with your partner, why?
Myth: Emotional cheating doesn’t really count.
Fact: It can erode trust and connection just as deeply as physical infidelity.
Your partner seems to be spending a lot of time with someone they met at work. While they promise it’s only friendship and nothing physical is happening, it makes you feel uneasy, and you wonder: Are they cheating?
When we think of cheating, we tend to think of the physical side of things. But if there’s no sex, is building an emotional connection with someone other than your partner still cheating?
In this post we’ll explore what emotional cheating is, how it’s different from friendship, and why people have emotional affairs.
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Emotional cheating, or emotional infidelity, means forming a deep emotional connection with someone outside of a committed relationship that threatens the trust and intimacy of the primary bond.
It’s a more subjective concept than sexual infidelity because every couple has their own boundaries and rules. What some might see as harmless might be interpreted by others as crossing a boundary.
The hallmark of emotional cheating is secrecy. The straying partner keeps the relationship — or elements of it — secret because, on some level, they know it violates the assumed or explicit contract of their primary bond.
Defining emotional cheating
To define emotional infidelity, 379 participants in a study by Guitar et al. (2016) were asked to rate how much they agreed with various definitions. Some of the most highly rated definitions included:
“Emotional infidelity is being ‘in love’ or more dedicated emotionally to someone other than the partner or family; someone with romantic potential.”
“Emotional infidelity is when a person in a relationship creates an emotional distance by spending an excessive amount of time with, or thinking about, another person outside of the relationship, to the point that the other partner becomes ignored or rejected emotionally.”
“Showing a vulnerable side that should only be seen by your partner.”
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Emotional Cheating vs. Friendship
The line between emotional betrayal and friendship can be thin, and it’s not always clear whether you’re stepping into cheating territory. Some of the key differences include the following:
Intention
There’s no romantic or sexual intention in a friendship. It’s about support, fun, and shared experiences and interests. When the relationship is used to fulfill something that’s missing in the primary relationship and there is sexual or romantic interest, it indicates there’s something more going on.
Secrecy
If it’s a friendship, there should be no reason to hide it. If you keep a relationship secret from your partner, you have to wonder why. People having emotional affairs often hide the relationship, how much they communicate, what they communicate about, or how they feel about the person from their partner.
Intimate emotional behaviors
Many people consider it emotional cheating if the other person becomes emotionally more important (Kruger et al., 2015). While it’s normal to talk to your friends about personal things, some consider it unfaithful if the “friend” is the first person you call when you’re upset or you share more about your life with them than your partner.
Why Do People Cheat Emotionally?
The reasons people have emotional affairs are nuanced. People are complex and often act on unresolved inner conflicts and insecurities without knowing exactly why.
However, emotional affairs are generally the result of low satisfaction, conflict in the relationship, and a lack of good communication (Rokach & Chan, 2023).
They often start off with innocent interactions that intensify over time. The other person might understand you deeply, show you attention, or make you laugh, and eventually they become equally or more important and interesting than your partner.
The reasons why can include various things (Rokach & Chan, 2023):
Lacking the desired level of love and intimacy in the primary relationship and wanting more emotional closeness and affection
Seeking the validation, attention, excitement, or understanding you don’t feel you’re getting at home
Feeling neglected or mistreated by your partner, leading you to look for appreciation and care elsewhere
Low commitment to your partner
Anger or resentment toward your partner and sometimes wanting to hurt them
Seeking variety in romantic experiences
Situational factors like stress or grief that impair judgement and make you more likely to cross boundaries
Personal factors can also play a role and are positively associated with infidelity (Rokach & Chan, 2023):
Emotional cheating or infidelity means building a deep, intimate connection with someone who threatens the trust, closeness, and commitment of your relationship.
It’s marked by secrecy, shifting emotional resources away from your partner, and having your emotional needs met by another person. There’s romantic or sexual interest, and even if you haven’t acted on that (yet), it’s more than a friendship.
In the next post on emotional infidelity signs, we’ll dive deeper into the indicators that you or your partner is having an emotional affair, how it impacts a relationship, and how to handle it.
Is emotional cheating as harmful as physical cheating?
Emotional infidelity, or cheating, can be just as hurtful as sexual infidelity. Forming a close emotional bond with someone else and hiding that from your partner erodes trust and undermines the intimacy and connection you have with them.
Can you emotionally cheat without realizing it?
Yes, in some cases emotional cheating happens gradually, and you may cross a boundary without realizing it. You might not see anything wrong with building a close relationship with someone outside of your relationship. But when you hide it or keep it secret from your partner, that’s a conscious decision and suggests you know you’re crossing a boundary.
References
Guitar, A. E., Geher, G., Kruger, D. J., Garcia, J. R., Fisher, M. L., & Fitzgerald, C. J. (2016). Defining and distinguishing sexual and emotional infidelity. Current Psychology, 36(3), 433–446.
Kruger, D. J., Fisher, M. L., Fitzgerald, C. J., Garcia, J. R., Geher, G., & Guitar, A. E. (2015). Sexual and emotional aspects are distinct components of infidelity and unique predictors of anticipated distress. Evolutionary Psychological Science, 1(1), 44–51. https://doi.org/10.1007/s40806-015-0010-z
Rokach, A., & Chan, S. H. (2023). Love and infidelity: Causes and consequences. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 20(5), 3904. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph20053904
Your partner seems to be spending a lot of time with someone they met at work. While they promise it’s only friendship and nothing physical is happening, it makes you feel uneasy, and you wonder: Are they cheating?
The reasons people have emotional affairs are nuanced. People are complex and often act on unresolved inner conflicts and insecurities without knowing exactly why.
