Breaking Free From the Cycle of Silent Treatment Abuse

The silent treatment, or purposefully ignoring or excluding someone, is common in relationships and isn’t always purposefully hurtful.

However, in some cases, the silent treatment is abuse and becomes a tactic for control and manipulation.

Where is that line, and how do you recognize when silent treatment forms part of a broader pattern of abusive behavior?

In this post, we’ll explore how to recognize the warning signs of silent treatment abuse and how to respond in a healthy way.

Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our five positive psychology tools for free. These science-based tools will help you and those you work with build better social skills and better connect with others.

Warning Signs of Silent Treatment Abuse

Emotional abuse means a person is repeatedly trying to upset you or make you feel unloved or worthless. The silent treatment can be part of this wider pattern of emotionally abusive behavior within a relationship.

But how do you know?

Here are some warning signs that might indicate silent treatment abuse:

Control and manipulation

There are some signs that a person is using silent treatment for control and manipulation (Gupta & Gupta, 2023), such as:

• They refuse to explain why they’re silent, leaving you guessing and confused.
• They use it as a punishment when you’ve expressed a boundary or need.
• They only reengage once you’ve given in or changed your opinion/behavior.
• You question your sense of reality and blame yourself for their behavior even when you haven’t done anything wrong.
• You feel unloved and worthless as a result of constantly being shut out.
• You regularly try to earn their attention back by minimizing your needs to please them.

Repeated pattern of behavior

If a person uses silent treatment once or very seldom, it’s probably more indicative of poor communication skills than abuse. However, if they repeatedly use it to punish you for not complying or for saying or doing something wrong in their eyes, it can indicate silent treatment abuse (Agarwal & Prakash, 2024).

Power imbalance

Silence can be used to control the atmosphere of the relationship (Agarwal & Prakash, 2022). If you find yourself walking on eggshells, afraid of triggering them into silence again, there’s likely a power imbalance in the relationship. Be mindful of some of these signs:

• Your partner’s needs always seem to be the priority, while yours seem to be dismissed or minimized.
• You feel afraid to speak up or express yourself.
• Your partner makes all the decisions without considering your input.

Avoiding responsibility

An emotionally abusive person rarely admits any wrongdoing. When you express your feelings or accuse them of something, they might give you the silent treatment to avoid taking responsibility (Gupta & Gupta, 2023). They shut you down instead of working toward a resolution and may even escalate the silence if you try to express how it makes you feel.

Part of a wider pattern of abuse

When silent treatment is a form of abuse, it usually doesn’t happen in isolation, and other abusive behaviors are present (Parkinson et al., 2024), such as:

• Gaslighting — making you doubt your memory, feelings, and sense of reality
• Constant criticism, belittling, or bullying
• Blaming you and refusing to take responsibility
• Manipulation such as guilt-tripping or threatening self-harm
• Shouting and using demeaning language
• Controlling behavior such as monitoring your whereabouts or phone, isolating you from your support network, or telling you what to wear or how to spend your time
• Physical or sexual abuse

How to Respond to Silent Treatment Abuse

Being on the receiving end of silent treatment can harm your sense of wellbeing (Agarwal & Prakash, 2024). That’s why it’s always important to deal with this behavior in a healthy way, especially when it’s abusive.

Understand the dynamic

Being ignored during one of these episodes isn’t a reflection of you or your worth. It reflects their inability or unwillingness to communicate openly. That means:

• Avoid blaming yourself for their behavior.
• Separate their behavior from your identity. It doesn’t mean you’re “too much” or “not enough.”
• Remember that you deserve open and respectful communication.

Pause instead of reacting

It’s a natural reaction to want to reestablish communication when someone is ignoring you. However, if the other person is ignoring you to control or manipulate you, this can be counterproductive, as it gives them a sense of power.

Instead, it can be more productive to pause, step away from the situation, and prioritize your wellbeing.

Prioritize your wellbeing

When you’re being given the silent treatment, focus less on them and more on you. For example:

• Looking after yourself
  Looking after yourself can mean many things, such as regular physical activity, adequate rest, a balanced diet, or connecting with nature and loved ones — whatever makes you feel good.
• Practicing emotion regulation techniques
  When you’re experiencing emotional distress, practices such as mindfulness, grounding exercises, breathing, or yoga can help you to regulate your emotions.
• Journaling
  Writing down your thoughts and emotions can help you find release and make sense of what you’re experiencing and feeling.
• Leaning on your support network
  Speak to loved ones about what’s happening. Communicate to them whether you just need someone to listen or whether you want advice.

Consider their agenda

Ask yourself why they are doing this. Is this a one-off or a recurring pattern of avoidance or punishment? Recognizing the intention behind the silence can help you figure out how best to respond (Gupta & Gupta, 2023).

Communicate clearly and set boundaries

When the moment is right, express how the silent treatment affects you using “I” statements, like, “I feel anxious when I’m ignored. I want us to talk things through, even if it’s hard.”

Set boundaries around what behaviors are acceptable and unacceptable to you (Gupta & Gupta, 2023). If the other person is unwilling to respect your boundaries, it’s okay to protect yourself and disengage.

Know when to walk away

If you recognize signs of abuse, control, or manipulation, you may need to distance yourself from the relationship. You’re under no obligation to stay in a situation that’s damaging your wellbeing and self-esteem.

Seeking therapy or other professional guidance can help you decide what’s right for you.

A Take-Home Message

Silent treatment isn’t always abuse. But when it’s repeatedly used to punish, control, or avoid responsibility, it may form part of a broader pattern of emotionally abusive behavior.

If you feel confused, worthless, or like you’re walking on eggshells, and notice other potentially abusive behaviors, it’s important to acknowledge this as silent treatment abuse.

Healthy relationships are built on open, respectful communication, empathy, and trust, not punishment through silence. Rather than chasing them for attention and affection, pause and focus on what’s best for your wellbeing.

Seeking support from loved ones and/or a professional can help you work through your experiences and decide whether the issue can be resolved or if it might be best to walk away.

We hope you found this article helpful. Don’t forget to download our five positive psychology tools for free.