Is your silence creating space for healing or building a wall that pushes your partner further away?
Many people, including those on the receiving end, do not fully understand the destructive impact of silent treatment on psychological wellbeing and relationship health (Gupta & Gupta, 2023).
What might silence be saying that words cannot?
Have you ever felt annoyed at someone and, instead of speaking to them, chose to ignore them?
Or maybe you had a fight with a friend or partner, and they stopped responding, even when you reached out.
The silent treatment is a very common social behavior that you’ve probably been on the receiving end of — and probably given, too. It’s common in romantic and platonic relationships, families, and workplaces.
But what exactly is the silent treatment, and why do we use it? How does it affect us, the other person, and our relationships?
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The silent treatment describes a range of behaviors used to ignore someone and avoid communication (Gupta & Gupta, 2023).
It can include:
Acting as though the other person doesn’t exist (e.g., not speaking, acknowledging, or responding to them, including digitally)
Withdrawing and refusing to engage when spoken to
Giving one-word or dismissive answers such as “whatever” or “fine” to end the conversation
Refusing eye contact, turning away, or physically distancing yourself
Deliberately excluding someone, for example, not inviting them to activities or conversations
Talking to others in a group while ignoring the target person
It’s different from taking a break from an argument or discussion by saying you need a time-out to think about things. That is a healthy way to regulate your emotions, especially if you’re feeling angry, overwhelmed, or destructive.
The silent treatment may also be used by the offender to regulate their emotions, but it may exacerbate the problem because it gets in the way of healthy communication.
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Why Do People Use the Silent Treatment?
There are various causes or thought processes that can lead people to use the silent treatment.
Can you think of a time when you’ve given or received the silent treatment? Do you know why it was used?
Gupta and Gupta (2023, p. 579) note that, “while understanding these thought processes can provide insight into why an individual might use the silent treatment, it does not excuse the behavior or negate its harmful effects.”
So while using the silent treatment isn’t usually justified, here are some possible explanations for its use:
Feeling undervalued or unheard
If a person feels taken for granted, undervalued, or unheard, they might use silence to remind the other person of their worth (Agarwal & Prakash, 2022).
Avoidance
Some people find conflict very difficult, often because of their upbringing and fear of being vulnerable. In this case, silent treatment can be a form of avoiding conflict, difficult conversations, emotional discomfort, or potential criticism (Gupta & Gupta, 2023).
Punishment
The silent treatment is often used as a form of punishment. They may believe that the other person deserves this mistreatment because of what they’ve said or done. Instead of communicating openly about the grievance, disapproval is expressed by withholding communication (Gupta & Gupta, 2023).
Poor communication skills
Silence may be a nonverbal way of expressing anger or disappointment. When you lack the skills to express yourself clearly or you’ve been taught to suppress your emotions, you might choose silence instead.
It can feel safer or more controllable to be silent than to risk being vulnerable or misunderstood. This is often rooted in low self-esteem or insecurity (Agarwal & Prakash, 2022).
Learned behavior or past experiences
The silent treatment can be a learned or modeled behavior. If you witnessed other people, like your parents, use the silent treatment, you might come to believe it’s a normal way to manage conflict or express disapproval.
It can also stem from past experiences of violence or destructive behavior during conflict, leading you to avoid it by staying silent (Gupta & Gupta, 2023).
Attachment style
People with an avoidant attachment style, characterized by avoidance of emotional intimacy and a preference for independence, may use the silent treatment to maintain emotional distance from the other person (Gupta & Gupta, 2023).
Control and manipulation
Withholding attention or affection leaves the other person feeling anxious and uncertain and thereby creates a power balance. It can be purposefully used to punish, guilt-trip, or pressure the other person into compliance without honest communication (Gupta & Gupta, 2023).
Psychological Effects of Silent Treatment
The psychological effects of silent treatment depend on the context and severity of its use.
In most cases, it causes a stress response in the target. Humans are social creatures, and in early human societies, being ostracized or socially excluded from the group could have had fatal consequences (Spoor & Williams, 2011).
That’s why it feels uncomfortable and, in severe cases, can be extremely distressing and hurtful. It’s also the reason why it’s a commonly used form of punishment — because it works.
Some potential psychological effects include:
Social pain
Given our social nature as humans, receiving the silent treatment can lead to social pain or feelings of sadness, loneliness, and rejection (Agarwal & Prakash, 2024).
Overlap with physical pain
Receiving silent treatment activates some of the same brain regions associated with physical pain (Cheng et al., 2022). This shows how deeply hurtful it can feel.
Anxiety
When someone stops communicating with you, it can cause a lot of anxiety, especially if you’re not sure. There’s a lack of closure, and you may ruminate about the reasons and worry about whether the conflict can be resolved (Gupta & Gupta, 2023).
Decreased wellbeing
The silent treatment can cause emotional distress and feelings of isolation, which can reduce your sense of wellbeing. Especially in severe and chronic cases, it may lead to depressive symptoms such as persistent sadness, apathy, and feelings of worthlessness (Gupta & Gupta, 2023).
Effects on the person giving the silent treatment
The silent treatment goes against our human need to respond and communicate with people (Agarwal & Prakash, 2022). It takes effort to withhold communication, which may leave the perpetrator feeling emotionally drained.
They’re also not dealing with their emotions openly or constructively and may experience negative emotions, such as anger and frustration, as a result of this breach in communication.
Effects on the relationship
Repeatedly using the silent treatment as a way to react or manipulate damages the health of a relationship because the lack of communication and resolution creates emotional distance and erodes trust and safety (Gottman & Krokoff, 1989).
Giving the silent treatment is an unhealthy coping mechanism, and intentionally shutting someone out leaves a person feeling rejected, confused, and resentful. Over time, this creates a hostile environment that stands in the way of emotional intimacy and mutual understanding.
A Take-Home Message
The silent treatment is a relational tactic often used to punish, withdraw, or avoid difficult emotions. It can stem from emotional immaturity, a particular conflict style, or the desire to maintain or assert control. While it’s often seen as a benign or normal behavior, it has the potential to cause significant emotional stress and damage relationships.
In our next post discussing silent treatment abuse, we’ll explore when silent treatment crosses the line into emotional abuse or manipulation and how to break the cycle.
Why does getting the silent treatment hurt so much?
The silent treatment hurts so much because we’re social creatures, and being deliberately ignored and excluded threatens our fundamental needs for belonging and connection. It activates the same regions in the brain as physical pain, which shows how deeply it affects us (Cheng et al., 2022).
How do I stop giving someone the silent treatment?
It’s important to notice and acknowledge your communication patterns first. What usually triggers the need to give the silent treatment? Next time, instead of withdrawing, take a break and communicate that to the other person. For example, you could say, “I need some space; please, can we continue this talk later?” Instead of punishment, focus on understanding and resolution. If silence feels like the only option, it might be helpful to seek professional guidance.
References
Agarwal, S., & Prakash, N. (2022). When silence speaks: Exploring reasons of silent treatment from perspective of source. International Journal of Trend in Scientific Research and Development, 6(3), 1458–1472.
Agarwal, M. S. & Prakash, N. (2024). Psychological costs and benefits of using the silent treatment. Quest Journal of Research in Humanities and Social Science, 10(4), 49–54.
Cheng, S., Li, S. J., Zheng, Z. X., & Zhang, D. D. (2022). Brain basis of physical pain and social pain. Sheng li xue bao:[Acta Physiologica Sinica], 74(4), 669–677.
Gottman, J. M., & Krokoff, L. J. (1989). Marital interaction and satisfaction: A longitudinal view. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 57(1), 47–52. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006X.57.1.47
Gupta, P. & Gupta, R. (2023). What is the psychology behind ostracism or “silent treatment” and what to do with such abuse? Journal of Clinical & Community Medicine, 5(3), 000215.
Spoor, J. R., & Williams, K. D. (2011). The evolution of an ostracism detection system. In J. P. Forgas, M. G. Haselton & W. von Hippel (Eds.), Evolution and the social mind: Evolutionary psychology and social cognition (pp. 279–292). Psychology Press.
Have you ever felt annoyed at someone and, instead of speaking to them, chose to ignore them?
The psychological effects of silent treatment depend on the context and severity of its use.
What our readers think
Very informative and well-written, thank you!